this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
