she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You dont lie about slip and slides
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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