i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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