A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
