I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
