There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
