Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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