Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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