He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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