dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
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also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
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Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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