Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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