remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
