we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
