Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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