I skipped work to stalk him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
