Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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