I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
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When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize