On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
