Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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