I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize