Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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