I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
