Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
