i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
