I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
