I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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