Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
