alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am one with the molecules
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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