Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
