I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
