you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
