I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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