Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
