I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
