I met the friendliest cop last night
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
