This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
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College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
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You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So here I am, sexting at work.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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