I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
