what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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