Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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