You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
