I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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