why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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