i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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