and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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