Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
