its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
