if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
