Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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