so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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