i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
