def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
