put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
