Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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