I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The air was thick with penises
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
