Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
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My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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